Hi, I’m Melissa, and I have anxiety

While I was at the conference another blogger came over to me and let me know that she has been reading my blog since the beginning, from back when I started my site (when it was The Eyes of a Boy). I was honestly taken aback. Sometimes I forget that I’m writing for actual people to read what I write. In that moment she made me feel so worthy and valued, and so thankful that this is my job. It’s an amazing thing to be able to write, take photos, and connect with people and call this my career.

Before meeting her I felt very overwhelmed. I was nervous as I talked with other women. I questioned my self-worth, and even doubted my abilities as a professional content creator. Rationally, I know that I am valuable and I love what I do. But when the anxiety and overwhelm creeps in and makes its way into my mind – game over. It’s not a comparison thing, it’s a me thing. I am my own worst enemy sometimes when the imposter syndrome comes to visit.

So, I want to be honest with you.

I have anxiety. 

Well, we all have anxiety, since we are human, after all….But I suffer from anxiety. Sometimes it’s too much, and it can be overwhelming. 

Some days it’s worse than others….and some days it’s nonexistent. 

I don’t take medication for anxiety right now since I have been breastfeeding for the last 22 months (+ 9 months of pregnancy). 

Now that I’ve weaned my son this week I’m hoping that when my hormones even out I’ll start to feel a bit less anxious. 

It’s not just at conferences surrounded by lots of people that I feel this way. It happens in my everyday life as well. 

I stress out over the minutiae. I overthink things. I allow my anxiety to sometimes talk me out of doing fun activities. 

…and after a full day of parenting my three little boys I absolutely need to find time to myself. It usually comes in the form of a hot shower at the end of the day when everyone else is fast asleep. Finding ways to keep anxiety and overwhelm in check are the key for me to be able to accomplish all of the things I do and want to do. 

I remember when we finally had our oldest son after a long string of losing pregnancies (and having our stillborn son only 11 months earlier than our oldest living son) I’d stand over him at night to make sure he was breathing and he was ok. I’d pray and ask God to keep him safe, and definitely lost a lot of sleep watching that little chest rise and fall a million times. I was so thankful for each inhale and exhale from his tiny body. As he grew and I adjusted to new motherhood, I started to trust that he would be ok…,but much of the anxiety from all of my experiences stayed with me. Its part of my charm now I guess haha.

At the end of the day, I adore my kids, and I adore my life. I love myself and love my family. I just also have anxiety, and hey, that’s ok too. 

I share this because I know I’m not the only one out there that has this going on. If you suffer from anxiety too, I want you to know you are not alone ♥️